I definitely believe I am a person with a young spirit. I still feel as though high school was just yesterday and I haven't aged a day since then. Life though has a very funny way of offering up moments of clarity so intense that a 1080 hd television looks fuzzy and gray.
I turned 28 last Friday and while i still feel as though this is not an "old" age the definite realization that I'm a grown up and I can't hide from it any longer has made my nights lets just say, far more restless. This is a big year for our little family as far as realizing how big our kids are getting. Natalie is going to be 8 and getting baptized in August and I now find myself questioning all of my parenting skills over the past 8 years and how the crap did it get here over night?!?!? My daughter is going to soon be found accountable for every roll of the eyes, stomp up the stairs, slam of the door, and slip of the tongue which is usually in the sound of "ehhhhEHHHHHehhhhhhhh." (I know you all know what I mean.) Now I'm worrying about stuff my mom worries about. Did I do a good job, is she respectful, is she confident, does she have a testimony, will she stand up for what is right? On top of all of that my 3rd kid starts Kindergarten just a few weeks after that and I have already succumbed to the idea (and warned of it by her preschool teacher) that i will definitely be getting notes home from kindergarten for Madison's behavior and to just be prepared for it. And while my daughter is not a bad kid, she is definitely full of energy and very stubborn with the ideas that she gets in her head. I'm not sure how to handle the teachers looking at me as though I've raised this uncontrollable ball of energy and haven't done anything to contain it. While I know that I have tried EVERYTHING in my power to steer her down the right road when i dream of the road she takes to adulthood it is always winding, very bumpy, with a few spots of, let's just call them shadows opposed to darkness. Not in any way do I think she is evil, she is just one of these people who won't learn from anything but her own experience and it still might take a few of her own before the lesson really sinks in.
What is most scary is that these are the minor concerns on my list, the past 10 years since i met Nathan have flown by faster than the wind carried my kids kindergarten registration papers down the street last week. I just barely blinked and they were gone. What is terrifying about that is that in another 10, Natalie will be 18 and our time with her at home will be finished. AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm too young to worry about boys dating my daughters and girls dating my son, but the time is short at hand when we will be buying a shot gun to shine on the front porch as they approach my house to adore my kids. Natalie will be in a school with sixth graders in august, sixth graders know and talk about things i don't know and don't want to talk about. I have really learned how much I took advantage of childhood. Why didn't any of us listen to the wise old adage of "ignorance is bliss". I know that I would give almost anything to have just one day where I could live my life this way again. Even just a few hours where i didn't have to worry about sex, drugs, alcohol, and all the other insanely moral issues my little children go out and face in this world everyday would be truly welcomed. Really all can say is exactly what i started with, Getting old is really scary!!
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6 comments:
Wow, amen to that! I feel the same way. This time flys by so fast! Sometimes I am so exhausted that I want my kids to grow up, but they are so sweet and innocent and I love that! I am holding on to that and enjoying their sweetness as much as possible, before it's gone!
I think you are beginning to understand us "older" moms...it never ends even after our "baby" turns 25 and a father of his own kid!
Sorry we missed your b'day, it was a crazy day as I recovered from my 3rd epidural. We hope you got your card and that you did have a wonderful, happy day. Don't worry about getting "older", there is so much fun on the other side to the nearing hilL! love you!
Steph, I have a feeling I will be in a similar boat as you with Bryant when he goes to kindergarten. At least I have two more years before the judgment comes. I really don't think there is much worse than people judging you and your kids. It's bad for the kid to be labeled, and for gosh sakes we try as hard as we can!!! Some kids are just free spirits; there are just some people that are always going to color outside the lines, not sit still, and who would just rather chase around a kitty cat all day than stand in line and raise their hand. They still have a love for learning, but I feel like it's harder for kids like that to learn in such a structured setting. I just wish I was rich enough to afford private school or disciplined enough to homeschool. Oh well, maybe our kids will surprise us and be perfect little angels!
to maurine, i doubt it on the little angels, but i definitely pray for that. She is smart enough for kindergarten. She knows all her letters what they say and can read a few words. Her teacher even said she is smart enough for it, she just is socially "distracted." she likes to talk and bounce and giggle and stay busy, busy, busy!!!
Yes...we are getting old. When I was a little kid, I remember making fun of the moms at the Y who never got in the water, even when it was dreadfully hot. They just sat on their towels and tanned. Then, during "adult swim," they carefully got into the pool, and swam around, and, somehow, managed to keep their hair dry. My sister and i always tried to splash them and vowed never to be one of them.
That was...of course...before I was a mom.
Now, I worry about the mistakes I made, am making, and will make. I worry about drugs, boys, car accidents, other parents, the internet, sex, expectations, and education. I wonder if anything I say or do even matters. I wonder if my kids will stay as sweet. I wonder how to answer their questions. This doesn't even count all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry I do. And my kids - they're only 6 and 5!
all i can say is...I finally get it. I am old. I do worry. I do pray a lot more now. And you better believe that during the summer, at the pool--when my kids seem so happy splashing and oblivious about every danger I'm trying to protect them from-- you better believe that I'm just sitting on a chair, reading, tanning, and refusing to get my hair wet.
catania, ahhh yes the good old Y. I know that i for sure wandered what was wrong with those women. I do beleive for me though that this is my one way that I rebel against old age. I still watch all the mothers during adult swim put there hair in high pony tails and walk carefully down the stairs. Then I, holding onto any last bit of childhood in me will run full speed ahead with a big splash hopefully next to the one that cares the most. But I do try and save my swims for adult swim only. I sit on the side and tan while nathan mans the pool and i man the never ending rotation of getting the towels in the sun to dry between swim sessions. Somehow it happened though when we weren't looking, we got old, I'm bracing myself for the wrinkles, the gray hair, I'm sorry to say the lack of brain function has seemed to already envelope me. That of course I blame on pregnancy and repeating myself 849 times a day everyday of every week of every month year after year after year after......well you get the point.
caryn-I got the card, and don't worry about my b-day, i had a wonderful day, your son did a really good job this year!!!!
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